How to Forgive and Let Go: A Gentle Guide to Healing Yourself First

“I remember one of the most powerful AHA moments I ever had in therapy. I was crying—deep, soul-level crying—blaming myself for staying too long in a relationship marked by narcissistic abuse. My therapist gently asked, ‘What do you think she—your past self—needed back then? Can you picture her standing beside you? Does she really need more blame?’
That moment cracked something open in me.
…

— A therapy breakthrough I’ll never forget

Forgiveness. It’s one of those words that sounds all angelic and peaceful—until you actually try to do it. Especially when the person you’re trying to forgive… is you. 

Here’s the truth: forgiveness isn’t about being the bigger person while clenching your teeth behind a smile. It’s not about pretending it didn’t hurt, or forcing yourself to move on before you’re ready (I’ve struggled with this one for years, believe me. Occasionally, I still do.)

Forgiveness is about you. Your peace. Your nervous system. Your future.
It’s how you stop dragging that hurt with you like an emotional carry-on, because carrying that stuff is heavy. 

In this post, we’re going to unpack what forgiveness really means—and doesn’t mean. We’ll discuss how to forgive others, how to forgive yourself, and how to actually let go, rather than just saying you have.

What Forgiveness Is

Let’s get one thing straight: forgiveness is not about the other person.
It’s not about whether they apologized, changed, grovelled, or even acknowledged what they did. (Though sure, wouldn’t that be nice.)

It’s about your mental well-being and your peace of mind.

Because let’s be honest: when you’re holding a grudge, the only one still actively suffering is you. The other person might be out living their best life, happily unaware that they’re still a recurring villain in the ongoing soap opera of your inner dialogue. Meanwhile, you’re the one stuck in emotional quicksand, exhausted and full of “should’ve saids.”

So what is forgiveness, really?

Forgiveness is a release.
A decision to loosen your grip on pain you didn’t ask for. It’s choosing to stop letting someone else’s actions write your emotional narrative.

Let me say it louder for the inner perfectionist in the back:
You don’t forgive because they deserve it. You forgive because you deserve peace.

That’s where the magic lies: in the power you gain the moment you reclaim your energy.

What Forgiveness Isn’t

Okay, so now that we’ve talked about what forgiveness is, let’s take a minute to clear up what it’s not, because people do get this twisted.

1. Forgiveness is not saying “It’s Okay”

You know what? It wasn’t okay.

Don’t underestimate yourself. Acknowledge your worth.
And forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re pretending otherwise. It simply means you’re choosing to stop letting that moment control your energy, thoughts, or future. You can acknowledge that it hurt and still choose to move forward.

2. Forgiveness doesn’t require an apology

If you’re waiting on a perfectly worded, heartfelt apology that includes accountability and tears, I hate to break it to you, but you might be waiting forever.

The good news? Forgiveness isn’t about them begging for it. It’s about you deciding to carry their mess in your nervous system no longer. You don’t need their participation. You need your own permission.

3. It doesn’t mean reconciliation

You can forgive someone and still choose to maintain a distance for your own peace of mind and soul.

You can forgive them and block them. That’s not petty. That’s called protecting your peace like it’s a rare gemstone, because it is.

4. To forgive doesn’t mean that you’re weak

It doesn’t mean you’re “letting them get away with it” or that you don’t care. In fact, forgiving often requires more strength, more courage, and more emotional maturity than holding a grudge ever could.

I can sense a limiting belief from afar. “Forgiveness is a sign of weakness.” It’s actually quite pervasive.

Related post: What are LIMITING BELIEFS and their ORIGINS

5. Forgiveness isn’t one-and-done

Forgiveness is often layered. You might peel it back in stages, as I did… multiple times… depending on how deep the wound is for you and how much damage was done. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. On the contrary, it means you’re processing.

Forgive Yourself First + My Insight

You know what’s often harder than forgiving the people who hurt you?
To forgive the person staring back at you in the mirror.

We carry so much silent shame for the actions we took and the moments we let slip away. There were times when we stayed too long, and other times when we walked away. It’s hard to believe we failed to see the glaring red flags, even when they were so obvious, practically performing right in front of us.

But here’s the truth: healing doesn’t happen when we shame ourselves into it.
It happens when we soften.

One of the biggest AHA moments I ever had in therapy came while I was deep in that kind of pain. I was reflecting on a past relationship marked by narcissistic abuse, and I was swimming in self-blame.
I couldn’t stop asking myself:
“Why did I allow it?”
“What was wrong with me back then?”
“Why didn’t I leave sooner?”

Through tears, I admitted to my therapist how much I blamed myself for tolerating that kind of treatment. And then, gently, she asked me something I’ll never forget:

“From this perspective, what do you think you needed back then?
Picture her—you—standing beside you in that moment.
Did she really know any better?
Does she really need more blame?”

I broke.

But in the best way.
Because suddenly, I could see myself—not the version of me who should’ve known better, but the younger me who was doing her best to survive, to be loved, to feel safe.

And what did she need?

Compassion.
Understanding.
Forgiveness.

The tears came again, but this time they were tears of healing. They weren’t about him anymore. He was entirely out of the picture. This wasn’t about whether he deserved forgiveness.
This was about me—fully accepting myself, exactly where I was, and offering the one thing I’d withheld for too long: grace. That’s what self-forgiveness can feel like.
Not denial. Not bypassing. Just the quiet whisper:
“I didn’t know then what I know now. And I’m choosing to love myself even more now.”

Then (Maybe) Forgive Others

Alright, so maybe you’ve taken the courageous step of forgiving yourself (or you’re at least entertaining the idea). And now comes the part where we talk about forgiving… them.

It could be the ex who broke your sense of self, or perhaps it’s a parent who didn’t quite recognize who you truly are. It might even be a friend who faded away just when you needed their support the most.

Regardless of the person or situation, this type of forgiveness can seem almost impossible to achieve. Your mind may still be screaming:

“But they don’t deserve it!”

“They never said sorry!”

Valid. All of it.

But here’s the plot twist:
Forgiveness isn’t about letting them off the hook.
It’s about letting yourself off the hook.

Hanging onto pain doesn’t hurt them—it ends up hurting you. It settles in your body, sneaking into your happiness and sapping your energy, just like that one app you forgot to close that drains your battery in the background. You forgiving them doesn’t mean what they did was okay.
It just means you’re okay not carrying it anymore.

Learn the Lessons

After some time, after the crying, journaling, yelling, or screaming into a pillow (or your steering wheel), you may start to forgive yourself and even others. Now what?

Now comes the part no one warns you about—the Lessons.

“Okay, but what can we take from this?”

“What was I meant to learn here?”

It’s not about blaming yourself for not seeing it sooner.
It’s about reclaiming the wisdom that grew out of the pain.

Maybe the lesson was:
– “My needs matter.”
– “I have a right to walk away.”
– “Love doesn’t require suffering.”
– “Next time, I trust my gut the first time it says ‘nope.'”

My conclusion is this: 

I know better now. I respect myself and my needs. Real love doesn’t question my worth; instead, it adds to it. I understand my boundaries better. It’s okay to express myself. You are not here to try to fix anyone.

Every difficult experience contains a valuable lesson—something you can carry into the next chapter of your life.

And once you see it, you’re no longer a victim of it.

I remind myself often of this: You’re not just someone who was hurt—you’re someone who grew on so many levels since then. I am learning, and I’ll never abandon myself like that again.

There is so much power there.

Express It and Set Yourself Free

Let’s clarify one thing: for many of us, there’s emotional residue—things that need to be released. Things that shouldn’t be trapped in your chest, your jaw, or your poor, tight shoulders, which have carried all of this for far too long. 

This is where expression comes into play, in any way that feels right to you and doesn’t harm others (of course).

• Speak it out loud – in front of a mirror, to your therapist, to your friend, to your cat, or your higher self.
• Write the letter – pour it all out, and do with it what you please (If you consider delivering it to another person, do it if you feel it would be beneficial to you, and don’t expect an apology. This is about you, not them!)
• Move your body – emotions are energy, and your body is begging for release. I mention this often because it is super important.
• Create something – make art, of any kind. Creativity is alchemy—it turns pain into power.

Forgiveness resides in your nervous system, heart, and gut, and letting it go can really help you release those emotions. Experiencing feelings throughout this journey doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s completely normal not to have moved on yet; you’re just human, going through a transformation.

Learn from the past, be thankful for the past, forgive the mistakes of the past, and let it go. – Debasish Mridha

Wrap-Up: Forgiveness Isn’t About Them—It’s About You

Whether you’re just beginning or you’ve been on this path for a while, remember:
You’re not doing this to excuse what happened.
You’re doing it to reclaim your peace.
To stop carrying the pain that was never meant to be yours forever.

Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.
Forgive others when—and if—you’re ready.

Learn what you need to. Express what still hurts.
And then gently, lovingly, let go.

And remember, you are not alone. ❤️