The Significance of SELF-AWARENESS and Embracing Our Inner Critic

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth & our freedom.” – Victor E. Frankl

Many people experience the constant noise and chaos of their surroundings and their own thoughts as their only reality. They navigate through life without recognizing how their inner dialogue shapes their actions. As a result, they remain in a continuous state of reactivity.

Well, we are a lot more than our passing thoughts and emotions. 

By being able to separate ourselves from the endless stream of thoughts throughout the day, and developing our self-awareness and self-compassion, we are doing ourselves a great favor. We are taking our power back! We have the power to choose better thoughts, to choose better feeling emotions, and make better decisions.

WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS

Self-awareness is the ability to understand and recognize our internal world. Before we can change, we must first acknowledge how our thoughts and emotions affect us.

That’s when we learn to develop self-awareness, the capability to observe our internal patterns.

It is who we are, the awareness witnessing all that is happening inside (and outside) us.

We are the conscious presence that does the observation.

Mindfulness is all about nurturing a sense of self-awareness. You may have come across this term lately, as it’s becoming quite popular and for good reason!

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present. This state is described as observing one’s thoughts and feelings without judging them as good or bad, as Psychology Today simply says.

Without self-awareness, we operate from an unconscious, reactive state, leading to behavior that no longer serves us.

WHAT IS NOT SELF-AWARENESS

The opposite of being self-aware is being on autopilot mode. We do something without thinking about it, with no effort. This happens when we do daily stuff repeatedly, making things out of habit. It’s not bad, we need it to do daily tasks or solve a problem.

But when we’re on emotional autopilot, we can easily fall into the trap of a continuous emotional loop and lose ourselves in it.

“Give space to your thoughts, clear the noise in your head, chit-chat with your inner critic, decide and move on.” – Cristina Imre

INNER CRITIC

In this post, I will not discuss the inner critic in depth. My idea is to form a basic understanding of why it is relevant to developing self-awareness.

So now that we are aware that this inner voice is not who we really are, who is it? Where does it come from? Why is it so cruel sometimes?

The truth is, everyone has a voice in their heads – oftentimes, even more than one. This inner voice is the source of a big part of our suffering. It sabotages us, making us feel unworthy and not good enough. It has essentially turned against us, reflecting our deep-seated limitations.

The examples of inner critic in action might include phrases like:

You’re worthless.

It’s not worth trying.

She’ll never forgive you for this!

You’ll never break free from this!

Who do you think you are?

What will other people think?

To understand the inner critic better, psychologists Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss identified 7 types of inner critics.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

Our upbringing has a lot to do with the voice in our heads. When we are kids, at an early age, we internalize the voices of our parents or caregivers.

As our brain is not nearly fully developed at an early age (rational mind), we distort the input from the outer world in an attempt to preserve the love and relationship with our caregivers. Our life literally depends on it. And so we turn against ourselves to try and please our parents.

Later in life, as we experience different hardships, traumas, and failures, this voice strengthens. It all adds up. It enhances fears, doubts, and insecurities.

We are all different and have different personalities and temperaments, so some people tend to have more or less self-critical mindsets.

Additionally, this voice is closely tied to the assumptions (beliefs) we have created in our childhood.

A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

While we tend to associate inner voice only with its negative attributes, there are positive ones, too. And it’s important to understand, that its primal task is to protect us. Although that can sound unimaginable, it is trying to avoid risk and keep us safe. 

I know it sounds paradoxical, but hear me out…

Let’s take another perspective here. Now that we know we’re not our thoughts, and we decided intentionally to observe our patterns, we might actually see our inner voice as guidance.

The key is to differentiate between constructive self-evaluation and destructive self-criticism.

HOW SELF-AWARENESS HELPS IDENTIFY THE INNER CRITIC

As the inner critic is part of the subconscious mind, developing self-awareness can help us catch it before it starts running the show. We can separate our true selves from that voice and gain control over our inner dialogue.

1. Observe

• Stop and pause when negative self-talk starts.
• Create a distance between your thoughts and yourself by observing and listening to them.
• Question them; be curious. Is it true? Is it based on facts or fear? What are you trying to protect me from?

2. Give your critic a Name/Identity

• Now that you’ve separated your true identity from it, give it a name when it begins to spiral. Let’s say her name is Karen.
• When Karen hops on a negative train, you can experiment with giving her a funny voice or making her look like a clown. You can say: Calm down Karen, I’ve got this.
• Keep your Karen in check; remember to observe it as often as possible. By doing so, you have the power to choose better thoughts. What I use sometimes sounds like: Whatever, Karen! Thank you for sharing, but no!

As you practice, your Karen voice will quieten over time, and your cheerleader voice will be able to take the lead more easily.

SHIFTING FROM SELF-JUDGMENT TO SELF-COMPASSION

When I became more aware of my inner dialogue (better to say monologue) and began talking to myself like I would to someone I love, it was a profound shift for me. It was a true game-changer. At first, there is a sense of guilt and shame (How is it even possible to talk to someone like that?), but once we accept it, it becomes easier to shift the dialogue in a more compassionate manner.

I found an exercise that was very helpful and powerful: I wrote a letter to my younger self, to my inner child. To evoke emotions, I looked through photos of myself as a kid. This added an extra charge to the process. 

Imagine your little self inside your adult self or next to it if it’s easier for you. Now that you’re grown up, you can take care of this child properly, in a way it truly deserves.

Here are some ideas and questions you can use:

• What did you need to hear but never did? Write/say the words of love and encouragement you wish someone had told you.

• What fears or insecurities did you struggle with as a child? How can you reassure your younger self that things will be okay?

• Think of a time when you needed comfort the most. What would you say to remind you that you are loved and safe?

• Tell your younger self what makes them unique and special – remind them they are enough just as they are.

• Write about the moment your younger self would be proudest of in your present life. Show them how far you’ve come!

Final thought

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts” – Buddha

So many people struggle with negative self-talk, believing their inner critic reflects reality. When we understand that it is only one of the voices within us that is shaped by what happened to us in the past, we can start to look at it from a new perspective.

With self-awareness, we can start to identify the voice and understand why it is there. We can begin to respond rather than react and learn to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding.

When we accept responsibility for our actions and the way we act and stop blaming everything and everyone, we take our power back. 

Since we know that the inner critic does not define our worth, potential, or identity, we are the ones who get to decide.

We all have both the inner critic and best friend inside us. To which one are we giving more attention? Which one are we feeding more? We need to remind ourselves that we always have a choice.